Wednesday Night

Im sitting at the church waiting for people to show up. There is a missionary talking tonight and I've been looking forward to it. Anyway there's no one here. Just me so I let myself in and set up in the office. Ed then IMd me and wanted me to do something on our system at work, which I did.

It's been an interesting month. A lot has been going on and a good bit I don't feel like I can talk about yet but I will. I don't know if anyone has ever felt like youve prayed and prayed for something, even something general and felt like the prayers were going no where and then all of a sudden there is an answer. Well that happened to me. There was an answer of a sort to some thing that I have been praying about for a long long time. I don't know if anything will come of it but it is encouraging, very encouraging. More later.

At Bible school Last night before it started, Daniel came to me crying saying that a boy hit him. I knew that he was following around some older more hyper boys. So there he was holding some spot on his head crying with some of the other older boys standing there looking at him (boys that I think are not allowed to cry, they are older) like he was some freak of nature. So I took Daniel, asked him what was wrong and asked him to stop crying. He said "a boy hit me" and I saw red. So I hunted up the boys that I thought one of them was the culprit and I asked them, "which one of you hit him" to which they both replied, not me. I said, One of you is lying which brought a look of hurt on one of the boys faces when Daniel confirmed the fact and said in a still high pitched crying voice, He hit me. I turned around and there was this boy even smaller and younger than Daniel. I felt terrible. The little boy looked terrified. I said to the little boy something like, its not nice to hit people and then said I was sorry to the other 2. Well, to make a long story short I felt aweful and monsterous and so I took the 2 little ones home and was very depressed (as usual) for the rest of the night.

From my experiences in public school, where Daniel currently is, there is a lot of teasing and even violence(in middle school, Daniel is going into 1st grade) I know that he is at Hartly and there is 0 tollerance for violence but I don't think thats true of middle school. It seems almost encouraged. So Sarah goes to Central Christain school but not being members we can afford to send one child and that only barely and thats it. It seems really unfair to Daniel and the others when they go. Thats one of the things that has been a source of a lot of depression in the last years. Oh God have been depressed. it seems that nothing alliviates it for long. I feel lonely and tired with little snipets of hope that someday somehow God will intervene and open doors for me to do .....; something, I don't know what. I used to want to go into the mission field. Not sure why. I feel I have a heart for people and I do love the Lord (trust is another thing, thats a challenge) when I am able to trust the Lord I do feel a lot better. Trust the Lord = Peace and Joy. Not trust the Lord = fear. A simple formula. Can I trust the Lord? Absolutely. Can I trust the Lord to take care uf us all now and in the near and far future? Well, on paper I can say that He always has, will He? I know that the answer is Yes but....  

From my Journal: Monsters and Indiana

Been a while since I posted eh? I have fallen off the MennoDiscuss wagon as well as the Xanga wagon. The following is from my journal. It is 2 thoughts. 1. A discussion about Monsters and 2. Reasoning behind my desire to live in Indiana. It's all a little long but since I only post every 2 months or 3...

Last night Daniel told us that he was afraid of monsters coming in his room and that he wanted to sleep with us. I don’t know that simply telling your children that there are no such thing as monsters is good enough or even accurate. April really handled it but I told Daniel that he could trust the Lord to protect him so on and so forth. I want so badly to believe that. I have not always felt protected although we really have been in a lot of ways. Probably in ways that I will never find out about. I want so badly to feel closer to God. In order to do that, I need to feel pushed close to God. In order to be pushed close to God I have to feel desperate and that’s no way to live. I have to be lonely or in mourning and sadness and feel like I’m in some sort of fight-for-my-life in order to need God so much that I pray and cry and pray some more and then what? I feel like there is no answer really, just a temporary pat on the back that it’s all ok or going to be ok. Is that the way it’s supposed to be? Do we all need “monsters” to push us to God? Either real or imagined? Is the Christian life really like that? It doesn’t seem that way to me that others, most others struggle in this way. I do. I hate it. Why can’t I be sold out and close to God without “monsters” nearby? Why is it that when there are no monsters that I don’t pray as much. Really what kind of Christian am I? I don’t want to be afraid of any more monsters but I don’t want to be far from God either.

It looks like our Indiana trip is sort of off. I don’t think that it is going to work out to go any time soon. It’s frustrating really that there are so many things that get in the way of these things, mostly at work where if I want to take time off for something, I feel guilty or am flat out told I have to be there for some stupid meeting on the day we are to leave. I want to go to Indiana. As a matter of fact, I want to move to Indiana. Why? I don’t know really. It’s not Delaware, that’s one thing. Lots of memories, mostly bad here. Also I feel the opportunities have dried up here. There is a big traditional community there. Hmmm, Why oh why do I want to live in a big traditional community??? It’s possible that it’s because it would be a chance to start over in a community that was like <un-named place> used to be. But really, can I … do I want to fit in a community like <un-named place> anymore? Even if I could, do I want to? I have been saying lately that I have been freed from the bondage of wanting to live out someone else’s convictions and traditions. (Some of which are good, some of which are silly) I’ve been proud of the fact that I have had to re-define my theology for myself and not get it from someone else without question. Not only that, but I have been freed from the deep feelings of hurts from the past, feelings that I have carried and nurtured for years. It used to eat me up, now it doesn’t. I have no resentment really for anyone (but I still have serious misgivings about North American Mennonite culture). Why do I want to go somewhere where there is the possibility for similarly new hurts or worse yet total rejection? Here’s why, it would be a new start, another chance at a lot of things. Chances at things that just don’t seem to exist in Delaware anymore. I like that thought. I love that area. Is there anything wrong with that? If it were only that I liked the area, I would have to say that there is nothing wrong with wanting to live there but there are a ton more deeper reasons than that why I want to live a community in the Midwest where the sun always shines and there are lots of similar people in close community churches where I would be accepted as a brother and everyone lives in peace and harmony.  I know, what a crock! BUT, if for a minute I thought that it was possible to fit in a community like that and that there was a way to go out there and for us to successfully raise our family, I would do it. In other words, if I could get a job out there and a house, I would move in a minute, no question. What a great thing that would be. Because even though I know that this fantasy of community and fraternity is almost assuredly another pipe dream, having a pipe dream is better than having no dream at all. I would rather risk having my heart broken again than feel like I might always be lonely. How easy would it be to pull up from where God has clearly placed you and look for something better? I’ve done it over and over and it’s never worked. For those of us that are idealistic though, it’s very easy.

It is for that idealism that God will not probably ever allow me to move to a magical land like Indiana. Just over the river, where the sun always shines, and each Sunday and Wednesday, the people gather in the spirit of love and brotherhood. And if one or a few of us is a little different or have needs, experiences, or backgrounds that we don’t understand, it’s ok. We like them anyway. Not just love them but like them. What are the chances? Hmmm, yeah, I know… better stay in Delaware.

A Reply... and a clarification, maybe

This is a reply to my little sister Ladonna, whom I still love very much and hope she loves me. The rest of you are invited, even encouraged to listen in. 

Can I say that Anabaptist theology is, in my humble opinion of course, comes the closest to applying scripture save a couple of minor trivial details. Mennonite Culture, on the other hand, is a whole different story! Mennonite Culture is not a theology.

About the last name thing. I know that I was never judged by my last name in our Mennonite circles… wait, do I know that? It says something very definite in our settings. It says right off the bat that I or a parent or a grandparent (no further back then grandparent because the name is basically known to most after a few generations, usually, example, Clugston, McGrath, Warfel) was a transplant from one of our communities. It’s a good thing right? In my case it was my decision and a good one too I should think. But in a world where the name Garthwaite is not one that is ever heard, EVER, it has (most times, in our more conservative venues) brought a look of shock and confusion. I have even had people turn and walk away from me. Why is that? Is that my imagination? I don’t think so. To be fair, I have had people praise the Lord that I was one of them, or that there was new DNA in the culture, I don’t know. I’ve talked to many people, also transplants from their communities, say that they have had similar experiences. Is it a just Mennonite thing? I would say that it’s not. If I were going to the Korean Baptist Church down the road, I would expect that people would wonder why I was there but I would obviously be an outsider.

I think that most of the people who have 500 years of Mennonite/Amish background tend to take too lightly what a struggle it can be for people trying to assimilate into a culture that can be frankly hard to understand. Yes, it’s true that your dad many times told me what I was doing wrong as a young man and yes it offended me at times. That was my fault for being too sensitive but I was only that sensitive because I wanted to be one of you so badly. I used to pretend that I was related to you. I know that It’ll sound like a contradiction but when Mark would tell me that I shouldn’t say this of that, or that I shouldn’t do this or that, it was a reminder that I didn’t really have a family like most of the other young people. I know I’m not saying this right, as hard as that is to explain. When I left church the church house on a Sunday morning or left the Festival at the end of the day or came home from church retreat, I went home to that trailer to the single mother that raised me. Every single thing in my life reminded me that I was not as good as everyone else. That may not really be true but in my eyes it was. Every single thing in my life made it clear that I wasn't like the people that I loved and wanted to be like. The unfortunate truth is that there was no way that could be like that.

For all of you out there that have the 500 years of history, and a mother and father and brothers and a long history with the same people in the same community and can relate to the same people with the same … sameness, please try to be more patient, maybe a little more sensitive to those of us that live with the scars of sin. Some scars are on the outside where they can be seen, Tatoos, knife wounds, long hair or whatever. Some have emotional scars; deep needs for security and significance and a sense of belonging. Whether we deserve rejection or not by the way we speak, act, carry ourselves, or even intimidate, Christ calls us all to forebear one another. Speak the truth of course, but speak it in love. We need to approach people in love, as equals and not shy away in fear. If people get fed up and leave (which happens with what should be alarming frequency) and think that Mennonites are the worst hypocrits in the world then so what if we have personally done OUR BEST in the way we treated people. By the way, I think that many at Central (especially Mark and Ruth) did their best for me and no I don’t think that Mennonites are the worst people in the world (note that I am still one, though not as conservative). I just think that Mennonite Culture …well, to say the least needs a serious revision! We name the name of Christ not Menno. Menno wouldn’t want us to name the name of Menno I should think. Menno was really an exceptionally accepting and generous man, a radical in a way. I wonder how he would have fared in a Holmes or Lancaster county.