A Reply... and a clarification, maybe

This is a reply to my little sister Ladonna, whom I still love very much and hope she loves me. The rest of you are invited, even encouraged to listen in. 

Can I say that Anabaptist theology is, in my humble opinion of course, comes the closest to applying scripture save a couple of minor trivial details. Mennonite Culture, on the other hand, is a whole different story! Mennonite Culture is not a theology.

About the last name thing. I know that I was never judged by my last name in our Mennonite circles… wait, do I know that? It says something very definite in our settings. It says right off the bat that I or a parent or a grandparent (no further back then grandparent because the name is basically known to most after a few generations, usually, example, Clugston, McGrath, Warfel) was a transplant from one of our communities. It’s a good thing right? In my case it was my decision and a good one too I should think. But in a world where the name Garthwaite is not one that is ever heard, EVER, it has (most times, in our more conservative venues) brought a look of shock and confusion. I have even had people turn and walk away from me. Why is that? Is that my imagination? I don’t think so. To be fair, I have had people praise the Lord that I was one of them, or that there was new DNA in the culture, I don’t know. I’ve talked to many people, also transplants from their communities, say that they have had similar experiences. Is it a just Mennonite thing? I would say that it’s not. If I were going to the Korean Baptist Church down the road, I would expect that people would wonder why I was there but I would obviously be an outsider.

I think that most of the people who have 500 years of Mennonite/Amish background tend to take too lightly what a struggle it can be for people trying to assimilate into a culture that can be frankly hard to understand. Yes, it’s true that your dad many times told me what I was doing wrong as a young man and yes it offended me at times. That was my fault for being too sensitive but I was only that sensitive because I wanted to be one of you so badly. I used to pretend that I was related to you. I know that It’ll sound like a contradiction but when Mark would tell me that I shouldn’t say this of that, or that I shouldn’t do this or that, it was a reminder that I didn’t really have a family like most of the other young people. I know I’m not saying this right, as hard as that is to explain. When I left church the church house on a Sunday morning or left the Festival at the end of the day or came home from church retreat, I went home to that trailer to the single mother that raised me. Every single thing in my life reminded me that I was not as good as everyone else. That may not really be true but in my eyes it was. Every single thing in my life made it clear that I wasn't like the people that I loved and wanted to be like. The unfortunate truth is that there was no way that could be like that.

For all of you out there that have the 500 years of history, and a mother and father and brothers and a long history with the same people in the same community and can relate to the same people with the same … sameness, please try to be more patient, maybe a little more sensitive to those of us that live with the scars of sin. Some scars are on the outside where they can be seen, Tatoos, knife wounds, long hair or whatever. Some have emotional scars; deep needs for security and significance and a sense of belonging. Whether we deserve rejection or not by the way we speak, act, carry ourselves, or even intimidate, Christ calls us all to forebear one another. Speak the truth of course, but speak it in love. We need to approach people in love, as equals and not shy away in fear. If people get fed up and leave (which happens with what should be alarming frequency) and think that Mennonites are the worst hypocrits in the world then so what if we have personally done OUR BEST in the way we treated people. By the way, I think that many at Central (especially Mark and Ruth) did their best for me and no I don’t think that Mennonites are the worst people in the world (note that I am still one, though not as conservative). I just think that Mennonite Culture …well, to say the least needs a serious revision! We name the name of Christ not Menno. Menno wouldn’t want us to name the name of Menno I should think. Menno was really an exceptionally accepting and generous man, a radical in a way. I wonder how he would have fared in a Holmes or Lancaster county.

It's been a really nice day. This morning we went to church and I opened the sunday school hour. The lesson was out of Acts where God raised Dorcas from the dead. I suppose there were about a million different things that we could have some with that. I tried not to say anything too contraversial even though April said that I didn't make a really good spiritual point. Oh well. It was safe anyway.

In the Mennonite culture, it's acceptable to be contraversial but you have to do it in an appogetic way or keep it to yourself. It's just easier not to put anything out there that is contraversial. You are expected to be like everyone else. I have some theories about things; things that we as Mennonites hold dear to our hearts that it would be truly contraversial were I to say anything about them no matter how appologetic it was said. I will give an example (without mentioning names of course). Once I was standing in a circle with 2 preachers when the subject of neck ties came up. Well, without thinking about it I put forth my opinion not thinking that it would be a problem. I said, and still say, that God does not have one single problem with the neck tie and that the no-necktie thing is tradition. It got quiet and the subject was changed without so much as a minor discussion. I think that I can disagree with someone and still be their friend. Appearently, I didn't learn quick enough that that wasn't the case. We all must be the same in order to be brothers.

Another example, SMBI. It might be different now but when I was there in the early 1990s, having learned my lesson - sorta, to a point , tried to be like everyone else (as best as I could being my mother's son) and was actually able to do this for a couple of weeks kinda, then I reverted back to being myself, which I will admit can be a little off the norm, whatever that is. For someone that only ever wanted to be accepted I made the exact opposite happen by being a little too free with my opinions, being a little too free about the facts of my childhood/lineage, and being a little too free with certain facts about my life before Christ, and yes I will admit it by being way too sensitive (a problem that I think I have conqured for the most part). I will agree to a point with those that say the name-thing wasn't much of a factor and that no one really judged me by my name (Englisch as it is). However, it didn't exactly help when I was the only Engishman in a 500 yard radius when the fear kicked in that I had once again messed it all up. 

The point of all that is this. I have decided, a long time ago actually, that I was going to never again pretend to be someone or something I'm not. I'm not going to be an abnoxious jerk or whatever but the next time I go to BMA convention and get that stupid confused look at my out-of-context, English name, I'm not going to appologetically repeat it and I'm also not going to let it bother me (ok, maybe a little). 

How is it going you all? It's been a long couple of weeks. April is down with Mono but still sort of functioning. I can't say enough good about our church which has been above and beyond the call of duty in supporting us through this time. Especially given the distance that we live from most of the people in the church. It's not easy to bring meals or be a help but they are a help and it's greatly appreciated. Just when I was starting to loose my faith in mankind, some people amaze me with their kindness. Thanks to all who were there for us.

There are other things going on that I don't know that I feel comfortable talking about on the great world wide web. I have wondered why God has allowed things and why some things, important things I think never did work out. Also I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety over things that are just floating out there in the ether waiting to happen, or not. It's all scary stuff or could be. I've had to come to the realization that problems are not commentaries on God's love for me. He loves me no matter what. Or at least I'm trying to still convince myself that that's true. It's hard for me to feel loved all the time by most people. Although feeling like I am a total oddball doesn't help things. I know I'm not the best Christian, the best father, husband, son in law, or the most articulate or even popular, however, I have to say that most people at church now are all different in their own sort of way and not all the same with the same background, same interests, same fears, same jobs. There's nothing wrong with that I guess unless you are not the same or have a greatly different perspective or experience. It used to be terribly important to me to be the same as the people I looked up to, maybe even worshipped, but frankly I think I scared most of them with the weight of what I wanted (whatever it was that I wanted). I think that it's human nature to gravitate towards people that are the same as ourselves but in a church or in a church organization, (BMA) I think it's wrong and I think that God is going to have something to say about it, maybe someday. Anyway, not my problem anymore. We need to be able to accept, even as friends, those people that are not like us, who have the scars of sin, for the sake of Christ's kingdom. If we can't do that than we are pretending to be evengelistic and that's not good. If I had one wish this fine day it would be to know who I was, be confident in who I was, know where I was going.

Week of Vacation... so far...

This is something that I did this week. Might not look like a lot but the opening there was, earlier this week, only an opening cut into the wall. As a matter of fact it had been an opening cut into the wall for many months. Not a half bad bit of trim work if I must say so myself.

I have also done some other things around the house this week and also attended the "Pizza Day with Dad" at Sarah's school.

My Favorite Movie

In times past people have asked my what my favorite movie would be. I never know how to answer that really. I don't have a favorite all time movie, it depends on the mood I'm in at the time. Right now, it's "Citizen Kane" from 1941. It's the story of a man that became very rich but lost the most important thing in the world to him. A Sled. You should get it at the library and watch it. There was also another movie that I got from the Dover Library called "RKO 281" which was about the making of "Citizen Kane". The movie was about Orson Wells rise to stardom at a very young age and his insisting on making "Citizen Kane" which was a thinly vailed depiction of William Randolph Hearst, a very rich and powerful newspaperman. In the end the making of "Citizen Kane" ruined them both.

I love historically accurate drama's like that. Another of my favorite of all time movies is "Tora Tora Tora" which in Japanese means Tiger Tiger Tiger. It is a very historically accurate depiction of the attack on Pearl Harbor. For those of you that like the Disney version, it's not very accurate at all, I can't stand it. Another favorite movie of mine is "The Last 10 Days of Hitler", about the fall of the 3rd Riech. Oh and a good one that I got from the library once was "Fall of Eagles" about the disintegration of the royal houses of Europe. It was very long and a little slow at times but it was pretty good. I thought.

So that's what I like to do, watch movies from the library in my spare time, which right now is not all that much. I never have much spare time. I am constantly busy. I think that's a bad thing but it's better than no job at all.